6 Months

I haven't drank in 6 months.

This is the longest I've gone in my adult lifetime without drinking alcohol.

Not sure what my thoughts are.

A progression

I substite one substance for another. I know longer use drugs or alcohol for recreational purposes anymore.

Alcohol will always be my drug of choice; however, during extended periods of not drinking I rationalize the use of other drugs to get away/get high/care less. Because, I need something!

Heck, I don''t get into legal trouble or negatively effect society unless I was drinking.

Marijuana needs to be legalized, I don't smoke much of it anymore, and even when I did it wasn't a negative aspect of my life.

Alcohol has. But I still think about drinking daily, and keep coming up with a plan in life that revolves around getting drunk all of the time.

I love sleeping pills. I couldn't sleep without them. I've already connected to dots and have a strong idea where this will be leading back to.

Direction

Without direction, I wander aimlessly about wasting the days away.

What is considered time well spent?

Most goals seem impossible--- and breaking them down into manageable, achievable tasks seem futile. I want to be successful and happy today. But, I don’t want to work for those results.

I need to consecrate.

I need to quit being lazy.

Cruise Control

I have to consciously think about all my actions before they happen; otherwise my instinct will win. The instinct and urge to seek instant gratification. Just a taste please--- the constant battle to escape nonfiction and enter the mystical land of “I don’t give a shit.” Caring is hard. Responsibility is hard. Maturity is hard. Feeling is hard.

Why can’t I be numb forever--- frozen pees numb; left in the freezer and forgotten about. How many people would truly miss my presence if it no longer existed? I need to slow my overanalyzing mind down and think. Instead of thinking out my thoughts, I’ll say to myself, “Tie a rope around my neck and job.” And than my mind goes blank.

Happiness is a myth.

Smile.

Okay.

Discovering the Poorlly Hidden

Alcohol is a powerful truth serum. However, most of the time the best path to uncovering a  hidden answer locked away in a drunk brain‘s matter isn‘t a question at all. Drunk people--- myself included, don‘t share embarrassing secrets even while intoxicated unless one of three things are occurring: (1).We want to share the secrete, and alcoholic gives us a reason to do so.. (2) We’re are tricked into providing the answer. A smart investigator will craftily dance around the subject without asking or saying much; once the drunk person feels like they are beyond the ball of information, and will want to learn what you know; and will share their knowledge with you in the meantime. (3)  Repeat the question(s) if needed.

Easier said than Done

It is a bazillion times easier giving advice than taking it and following through on  said advice. I can smile and nod and say ‘yep, I understanding what your saying--- I should do that.” And than do nothing further.

I can tell people what to do, should do, or can do to solve most  of the problems they might face in life. It feels good helping others. I have to believe at least one person might benefit from my sharing life’s struggles. If only one person, takes only one shred of my advice/ramblings to somehow positively influence their existence--- than I’m okay with that.

With vindication and confidence, I can open up the most squinted eyes to a ray of light and hope, i can take the narrow-minded and let them see options, and I can call someone out on their Bull Shit without sounding like an ass. But, I struggle to listen and apply my own lessons of making good choices, being a better person, and living a better life.

Come on! I have to starting doing more and saying less. Actions speak louder than words, unless your involved in Politics.

Judgment Goes to Hell

Alcohol takes away any logical and moral decision making my mind makes and replaces it with okay. Everything becomes okay. If only my body would shut off instead and call it a night. Close my eyes into a blank emptiness. Power off. If only.

Another person's suggestive idea, usually illegal, sound logical and morally acceptable. Heck, it would be stupid not to follow through with every whim that crosses my inebriated mind. For awhile, the criminal ideas were placed there or suggested to me by an outside force. But that excuse only works for so long. I became the suggestive idea and used alcohol as the excuse for these actions to be okay.

For example. When doing an investigation into any activity, the WHY is always hardest to understand and usually makes the least sense.

Short Story:

 I was cruising round town with a friend on a Sunday evening.. The sun had settled, which allowed the moon and stars to rule the nighttime sky. It was a tad breezy, but nonetheless quite comfortable . Tyler and I never had serious plans to do anything productive. Even if we did, they just sucked.. Our plans always consisted  to get drunk, high,  and do something stupid.

If there are career opportunities for people to get drunk, high, and do stupid stuff---- I’d have to apply for CEO.

A couple hours into our wandering, and an empty cooler in the backseat our headlights were on bright.

Dreaming of Intoxication

I close my eyes at night seeking reprieve from the daily grind. Hoping to escape my addiction. Hoping for a few hours of peace. Instead my mind laughs silently, crushes those hopes with a smile on its face. More than half my dreams include falling off the wagon.

Whenever I used to get plastered to the point of passing out with my shoes still on---- I never dreamed any of those nights and or days.

Dreams have no consequences on real life; otherwise I’d constantly wake up hung-over, in shackles, or stiff in a casket. You can only die once--- I seem to die every night. And yet, I still want alcohol every minute of every day.

I remain sober, for now. I remain alive--- today.

Bored in Isolation

I feel lost and alone without alcohol in my life. Its as if I no longer share a common bond with the cohorts that cross my daily path in life. My wittiness, sense of humor, and overfriendly nature have disappeared with the bottle. I rarely smile. I laugh infrequently. I question my existence constantly.

Is remaining sober the right decision? The high’s aren’t nearly as high; however, the low’s aren’t nearly as low when drinking greatly defines a large part of who I am.

I struggle with life as it is---I‘m lost and afraid to be found..

I miss feeling invincible, carefree, and alive.

I don’t know anymore.

Scotland

I'm Scottish. I spent the weekend in Edinburgh, Scotland. I felt at home. There were lots of drunks roaming the streets. I stayed sober--- but it wasn't easy. I constantly thought about getting f'd up. Not sure how I feel about it considering how reserved I was instead of being super outgoing.

Serenity Now

I'm in Europe on vacation with my folks and about ready to blow a gasket. Even though I'm greatful, and it's nice that they are paying for everything all they do is bicker lad complain. The sights are amazing and the people are interesting.

It's taking strength beyond Herculean to not cave and hit the bottle hard. I want a drink. I need to get hammered. Why not? The girls are gorgeous. Every minute in public is another minute I see a girl who is more attractive than any I've seen in the town I reside in. However they fly around like tornadoes during the day which making them impossible to approach. Pubs and clubs seem like themost logical place to strike gold. I can't do that sober.

A beer sounds good. Six beers sound better.

I feel like I'm wasting a golden opportunity.

London--- Ampsterrdam--- Paris, I'll be back on my own accord without the stress and or limited company of my folks. But I'll need to make some serious money before than.

One day at a time, I guess.

AdSense

Monetize this.

Either my blog sucks or Googles needs to revamp the way it decides what Ads to post on varying websites.

I blame Google.

Sober

I haven't drank alcohol in nearly 4 months. Pure determination and strength has kept me sober.

This is the longest stretch I've gone without drinking alcohol in multiple years. My mind is clear, my body is healthy, and life appears manageable.

Busy

Going to school full time and working part time has helped me stay focused and stay out of trouble. All be it I don't have the time to write as much its a positive step in the right direction.

Don't give Random Bums a Ride

Most of the time I shoulder tapped for alcohol went off without a hitch.

I was a teenager and a high schooler lacking judgment. At this time I did own a car, it was my car paid for with money  earned at various crappy minimum wage jobs; even, better I had a driver’s license to go with it. Each week, on a varying day I would stock up my alcohol supply. I’d camp outside Safeway- suitably located across the street from a liquor store, or outside differing convenient stores. Homeless people and alcoholics and or junkies were always the easiest targets.

After 45 minutes of asking and being denied, an older scraggly man accepted my request. I wanted two cheap fifths of Orange Vodka, and offered a five dollar tip for his efforts. He was blatantly intoxicated and there was a risk he’d stumble off with my money. It was a risk worth taking.